Why 39? Because that's the age I am today (go, me!); and also because tomorrow is Thanksgiving. So we need a little list for something.
39 ways to spend Thanksgiving Day:
39) Around the crowded table, ask everyone who they're voting for in the presidential election and why.
38) Then ask everyone to talk about his or her religion. (Get religion and politics out of the way early.)
37) As soon as the meal is over, head for the nearest TV and watch sports so you don't get dragged into a conversation with your crazy relative who's pitching Amway.
36) Pull out the Ipod or computer and zone out.
35) When your mom reminds you that you don't have children, say, "Yes, we do; they're in the trunk."
34) Go for a walk.
33) Feign illness and spend all afternoon in bed.
32) As you're washing dishes, throw water on the kitchen floor and create a slip-n-slide for the kids.
31) Secretly tape record people at the dinner table then play it afterward. Tell everyone you're practicing for the CIA.
30) Volunteer to pray over the meal. Pull out the Bible and start reading from Leviticus.
29) Announce at the meal that you're really not D.E.'s uncle; your his father. And that the past 28 years have pretty much been a lie.
28) Fall out of your chair then jump up and say, I meant to do that!
27) Start a discussion at the meal about which TV news show is better-- Fox or CNN.
26) When your crazy relative starts jawing and boring you to tears, say, "I'm sorry, I have an ear infection and I can't understand a thing you're saying."
25) Play with the animals. Take them for a walk.
24) Ask your dad about the benefits of Viagra.
23) In front of any racist relatives, say, "I think African-Americans should get reparations for slavery."
22) Announce to all that you're going into the convent (if you're female) or the Catholic priesthood (if male).
21) Start a debate about the early Pilgrims. Were they Christians? Or narcissistic pagans who just wanted to hunt and fish and take over the land?
20) Before the feast, say to the cook that you are a very strict vegetarian who needs her own separately prepared meal.
19) Crawl under the dinner table and take off everyone's shoes.
18) Tell your family you want to start a business but you need $50,000 from everyone, immediately.
17) Announce this: "I have a week to live." In the silence say, "Just kidding, folks. I'm only gay."
16) Chew with your mouth open.
15) Yell "fire!" and when everyone clears out, eat from their plates.
14) If people come to your house, offer to show them photos from your last six vacations.
13) And the video of your wedding.
12) Contact everyone who ever broke your heart and say, "Hey, I'm thankful that didn't work out. Whew!"
11) If you have to work Thursday or Friday, bring in leftovers, but make it celery and carrots.
10) Wash the dog and have him come in the house soaking wet and splashing water.
9) Announce your divorce.
8) If you're traveling out of town by car, honk and wave at every vehicle you pass. They will wonder if they really know you.
7) If you speak another language, do so during the meal.
6) If the turkey doesn't turn out, send out for pizza.
5) Laugh at inappropriate times.
4) Practice "Shhhh-ing" your relative(s) who can't help but point out fat people in public and on television.
3) Get your niece to describe for everyone what the food was like back in prison.
2) If you go to a religious service, try to sing louder than anyone there; and
1) Be thankful for the ones gathered 'round. They helped make you who you are.
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